Cabo House Calls
James McAllister M.D.
ENGLISH IS NOT MY SECOND LANGUAGE
044 624 141 6176
24 hour emergency medical service
Signs and Symptoms Quick Reference
What's the difference
between a physician, a surgeon, a psychiatrist, and a pathologist ?
The physician knows everything and does nothing.
The surgeon knows nothing and does everything.
The psychiatrist knows nothing and does nothing.
The pathologist knows everything, but always a week too late.
"Duck Huntin'
Docs"
A family practice doc, an internist, a surgeon, and a pathologist are out
one day duck hunting. First up is the FP doc - he raises his gun to take aim
at a flock of birds passing overhead and says to himself, "Looks like a
duck, flies like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a duck." BANG! He
bags himself a duck.
The internist then steps up, raises his gun to take aim at a second flock of
birds flying overhead. He says to himself, "Looks like a duck, flies like a
duck, quacks like a duck, rule out quail, rule out pheasant, goose versus
duck likely." BANG! He, too, bags himself a duck.
A third flock of birds then flies overhead and the surgeon steps up and
raises his gun at the flock. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! He fires multiple
rounds at the flock and dead birds are dropping all around. The surgeon
lowers his gun, walks over to one of the dead birds, picks it up, hands it
to the pathologist and says, "Tell me if this is a duck."
The Evolution of
Medicine
I have an earache ...
2000 BC - Here, eat this root.
1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Q. How do you hide
$500 from a General Surgeon?
A. Hide it in the Patient's Notes.
Q. How do you hide $500 from an Orthopedic Surgeon?
A. Hide it in a Textbook.
Q. How do you hide $500 from a Plastic Surgeon?
A. Trick Question - You can't.
Q. What do you call a
nurse with a brain.
A. pregnant.
Three surgeons met at
a convention, and during the break, they began discussing what types of
patients they liked to operate on.
The first doc said, "I prefer to operate on short people because it's more
of a challenge to get the job done without making as large an incision."
The second surgeon replied, "Challenge, shmallenge. I prefer to operate on
oriental people because their anatomy is always textbook perfect. Everything
is in the right place every time.
The third doctor said, "Obviously neither of you has ever done surgery on a
lawyer. They are by far the easiest patients to cut on. When you open them
up, you'll see that they have no heart, they certainly have no guts, and
their rear end is interchangeable with their mouth."
Neurotics build
castles in the air.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists are the people who collect the rent.
Suggestion for
the Automated Switchboard of a Psychiatric Hospital.
Thank you for calling.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1'repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone else to press '2'.
If you have multiple personalities, press '3', '4', '5' and '6'.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; just stay on the
line and we will trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice will tell you which
number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, we won't
answer your call anyway.
Change of
Careers
After several years as an Ob-Gyn, a doctor decides he's tired of what he's
been doing and wants to change his career. He wonders what other type of
work he can do. After a while, the Ob-Gyn remembers how much he liked
automotive class in school and, since he's good with his hands, he decides
to become an auto mechanic. He enrolls at the community college automotive
school.
Upon his completion of his course, the final exam consists of taking a car
engine apart and putting it back together. The doctor turns in his final
project and, to his astonishment, receives a grade of 150%. After class, the
Ob-Gyn says to the instructor, "You know, I've gotten plenty of 100%'s in my
life, but how does someone get 150% ?"
"Well," responds the instructor, "I gave you 50% for taking the engine
apart, 50% for putting the engine back together and .... another 50% for
doing everything through the muffler"!
Nothing Up His
Sleeve
A baby was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except
that he was laughing like crazy. I mean laughing real hard.
All the doctors and nurses were examining the little new born in front of
the worried parents, but he kept laughing. He laughed, hands in tight fists,
until tears were rolling down his cheeks.
During the initial exam, the pediatrician slowly unfolded the tiny fingers
to check if the hand was all right. Nobody in the room believed what was
found in the baby's hand.
A birth control pill!
The Memory Test
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test.
The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three ?"
"274," is his reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second
man, "It's your turn. What is three times three ?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn.
What's three times three ?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that ?"
"Simple," he says, "Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
Agony on the
Green
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men in his 'middle regions, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnoooh, I'll be all right ... I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
put her hands inside. She began to massage his private parts. She then asked
him, "How does that feel?"
"It feels great," he replied, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Sign of the
Times
A girl goes to see her doctor. The doctor comes into the exam room and
notices that the woman has a rash on her chest. As the doctor examines the
rash, he notices that the rash is in the shape of an "H". To his amazement,
the girl tells him, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his
varsity letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes some cream and
sends her on her way.
A few days later he is attending to another girl with a rash on her chest;
only this time it is in the shape of a "Y". To his amazement, she tells him
a similar story, "My boyfriend attends Yale and he likes to wear his varsity
letter sweater when we make love." He prescribes the same treatment for this
girl and sends her home.
Much to his amazement, a few days later another girl goes to his office with
a rash on her chest. The doctor notices that her rash is in the shape of an
"M". As she begins to explain how she got the rash, he interrupts her by
saying, "Let me guess. Your boyfriend goes to Michigan and he likes to wear
his varsity letter sweater when you make love."
The girl grins back and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to Wyoming"
Dead Dishy
A man calls his doctor and frantically says, "Doctor, I think my wife is
dead!"
The doctor replies, "What do you mean you 'think' she's dead ?".
Well doctor," says the man, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling
up in the sink."
The Price of
Priapism
A young man walked into a pharmacy run by two older never married
sisters. One was at the prescription counter, and he asked her what she
could give him for his Priapism. She said she would have to consult her
sister in the stockroom.
She disappeared for a few minutes, then came back and said, "The best we can
do is $10,000 and the store."
Conventional
Love
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each
other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit
down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel
bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she
has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After
the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon".
She confirms and asks how he knew.
"Easy, you're always washing your hands."
She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist."
Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?"
Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing."
A Diagnosis in
Doubt
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down
on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a
few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second
opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts
the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from
head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat
thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings
in a black labrador. The labrador sniffs the body, walks from head to tail,
and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much
he owes. The vet answers, "$650".
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead !" exclaimed the man ....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial
diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
The Heimlich
Manoeuvre
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few
stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger.
She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One
said to the other "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed
and said, "Think we should go help ?". "You bet," said the first, and with
that he ran over and said, "Can you speak ?" She shook her head no. He said
"Can you breathe?" She again shook her head, no.
With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. So shocked
was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe, with great relief.
Back to his friend, he said "Funny how that hind-lick maneuver always
works."
Doc Castaway
A world famous physician is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten
years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a
ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a
boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then,
out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba
gear.
She comes up to the physician and asks, "How long has it been since you've
had a fine cigar ?"
"Ten years," he replies.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls
out a nice Cuban cigar.
He takes the cigar, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh
man! Is that good!"
Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of fine brandy
?"
He replies, "Ten years!"
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls
out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her
wet suit and she asks, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL
fun ?"
"My God!" exclaims the physician, "Don't tell me that you've got my golf
clubs in there too!!"
Good News / Bad
News
A man goes to his doctor for his routine examination. After examining the
man, the doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. Which would
you like to hear first ?"
The man says, "I don't like the sound of that. Give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "OK. You have a terrible, debilitating illness. You will
be dead within three months. In those three months, you will lose your
short term memory, then your long term memory, followed by the use of all
four limbs and control of your bowels and bladder. You will quickly become
a burden to your family and caregivers until you die a helpless mass."
The man says, "Oh my God, that's the worst news I've ever heard. What could
possibly be the good news ?"
"Did you see that beautiful blonde nurse who brought you into this
examination room?" asked the doctor.
The man replies, "Yes".
"The good news," says the doctor, "is that I'm sleeping with her !!"
A doctor was doing his
daily rounds in the hospital when a nurse noticed that he had a rectal
thermometer tucked behind his ear. The nurse approached the doctor and
whispered into his ear, "Doctor, you have a rectal thermometer behind your
ear."
The doctor took the rectal thermometer out from behind his ear and stated in
disgust, "Some asshole must have my pen !".
Q: What is the
difference between a rotweiler and an intensivist ?
A: A rotweiler lets go when you're dead !
Viagra Jokes :-
If lost in the wilderness. Take viagra and an iron supplement. This will
turn you into a perfect compass.
Q: Did you hear about the three men that hijacked a truck full of Viagra?
A: The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Q: What is the generic name for Viagra?
A: Mycoxafillin
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a bottle of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
In Istambul, a man was
recently admitted to hospital with 2 broken legs, a fractured pelvis, and
severe burns to his genitals.
Apparently, his wife tried to kill a cockroach first by stamping on it, then
by trying to flush it down the toilet, then spraying it with a bug spray
whilst it floated in the bowl.
The ill-fated gentleman then rushed in to urinate, and dropped his cigarette
butt into the toilet. The fumes ignited, causing the aforementioned burns.
Paramedics were duly summonded, who put him on a stretcher, and then when
told how it had happened, laughed so much that they dropped him down the
stairs breaking his legs and pelvis.
This young woman
brought her child into Children's Hospital for a routine check-up. On the
records, the nurse saw that the child's first name was Urine (pronounced
Urin-ie). Not wanting to be rude, but wanting to know why this woman would
name her child this, the nurse asked her how Urine got her name.
The woman explained, "Well, my baby was born premature and had to stay in
the special nursery. She was real sick and they didn't know if she would
make it. I couldn't decide what to name her, but the nurses said they would
pray for her. One day I came in and the nurses had already named
her. There was this paper on her incubator that said 'Please save Urine',
so I knew that they had named my baby."
A young female came to
the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test
anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to the young
female's room.
Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you
sure you're not sexually active?"
Patient: "Sexually active? No sir, I just lay there."
Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
Patient: "No. Who?"
I was woken in the
middle of the night by an agitated hotel owner.
"Doctor, doctor," he cried. "Would you please come down to the kitchen and
tell us if these bones we've found are human ones?
When I got downstairs, I found that part of a wall had collapsed. Inside
the cavity was a perfectly well-preserved human skeleton.
Around its cervical spine was a gold chain, from which dangled a large
medallion.
On it these words were inscribed : Hide-and-Seek Champion 1927
Overheard in a busy
clinic as a receptionist spoke to an obviously hard-of-hearing client:
"No Mrs Smith, not the HEARSE, I'm sending the NURSE!"
General:
"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart
and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, and u."
Respiration:
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire"
"Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration."
Cardiovascular:
"The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars."
Gastrointestinal:
"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama."
Dentistry:
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors."
Orthopaedics:
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat on."
Reproductive medicine:
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull."
"To prevent contraception, wear a condominium."
"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the
unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."
Haematology:
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
negative."
Eyes and nose:
"To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose."
"For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops."
"For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your
throat."
First aid:
"For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor."
"For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."
"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it."
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic............................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate...........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester...........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
G.I. Series....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient...................A person who has fainted.
PapSmear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis.
PostOperative.............A letter carrier.
Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.......................Damn near killed him.
Secretion.....................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
TerminalI llness...........Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose......................Near by/closeby